So I come across this email from a buddy. All my friends tell me that I fit this mold of the "nice guy," so as you can imagine, the average reasonable person would expect the following article to fully resonate in me. I feel compelled for once to fill up an entire post with someone else's writing because I probably would've written it the same way anyway. Enjoy:
TO THE NICE GUYS. (Wharton Undergraduate Journal)
This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl's every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they're at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled and unjustly abandoned this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn't worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you'd ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a humor that romantically linked her and the guy that she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-humor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn't have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing serious between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamlessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: oh, but we're just friends! And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're not like that.
The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical manipulative *itches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as, oh he's too nice to date, or he would be a good boyfriend but not for me or he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn't possibly ask him out! or the most frustrating of all: no, it would ruin our friendship. Yet they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their nice too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete jerk now). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice- guy- finishes- last phenomenon doesnt last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of the thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is, finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, insane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgment, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well-deserved vindication is coming..
So now I'm starting to doubt that this was actually published in a Wharton paper. There were several typos and it wasn't very well written. I know, I know, I'm being a jackass, but as a litigator, I have no choice but to be critical about these types of things. Whatever. I thought it was amusing.
In the meantime, 2007 for Mr. Nice Guy has started off with a bang...a loud, destructive, what-the-hell-just-happened, explosion, the leftover fragments of which strangely remind me of the dark and twilight zone-ish past that had been vanquished the past few years. But whatever. The year is young and I'm still a NY lawyer with his head and heart in the right place and I can only hope that better things will come my way.
Just know, if you ever find yourself in a bind, survival in this cruel world is more likely when you concede two things:
1. When you get hurt, you only get stronger when you allow yourself to believe that it will happen again; and
2. When the shit hits the fan, the last thing you should ever do to yourself is wallow in self-pity.
Happy New Year from the Sensitive Man, the Nice Guy. Man that sounded weak. Pweh! Someone get me a scotch and a punching bag.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Strike a balance
Back in college, our debate team always seemed to use this argumentation trick, most especially when the other team knew about the subject matter better than we did. The trick was simple. If our opponents proposed a new policy in the debate round, we always "nuanced" the solution by suggesting that the policy was extreme and that our counterproposal was a "balance" of all interests. If we proposed a policy or a plan, and the opposing team shot it down with their thorough knowledge of the topic, our second speaker would come up and finesse our policy to make it sound less extreme and closer to a balanced proposition, thus making our opponents look like they had misinterpreted our first speaker's plan.
Sometimes when you develop skill sets, you can't help but bring them into other aspects of your life. In my case, the reasoning and argumentation skills I had developed during college shaped the way I communicated with people after college. It was only years after the banter and exchanges with friends and strangers that I started to realize what I was saying and how I was representing myself to others: every answer was an attempt to show an effort of striking a balance in life.
Apparently, behind every best and safe answer to any and almost every life question is the concept of striking a balance. What is your attitude towards work? Work hard play hard. How would you allocate your free time in a year? Lots of alone time, vacation with family, friday night partying with friends, and Saturday evening dates. What do you like to drink in an evening? A few bottles of beer, a shot or two, and maybe even a glass of wine...then water. How do you describe your ideal girlfriend? Prudent, intelligent, strong-willed, independent, hot, sexy, appealing, smells good (yeah, I know right?)... You get the picture.
What does this all mean though? Does it mean that a bit of everything is better and healthier than having too much of one thing? Or, is it a strong reflection of a combination of a short attention span, indecisiveness and lack of a solid stance in living life? Is it just playing safe? Too safe? Denny Crane would call you a "Nansy Pansy." What if it really is about the old me? You know, the one who is risk averse (check out the old posts about geronimo moments - I'm too lazy to make a link). Maybe I am just mixing up concepts. Balance doesn't necessarily mean compromise. Maybe I am on the right track.
At least one thing is for sure. I like and respect myself more than I did the past few years and it's giving me some new found confidence in everything I do. I like the whole concept of balance. I'm getting there. I'm getting there.
Thank you, debate society, for the tip.
Sometimes when you develop skill sets, you can't help but bring them into other aspects of your life. In my case, the reasoning and argumentation skills I had developed during college shaped the way I communicated with people after college. It was only years after the banter and exchanges with friends and strangers that I started to realize what I was saying and how I was representing myself to others: every answer was an attempt to show an effort of striking a balance in life.
Apparently, behind every best and safe answer to any and almost every life question is the concept of striking a balance. What is your attitude towards work? Work hard play hard. How would you allocate your free time in a year? Lots of alone time, vacation with family, friday night partying with friends, and Saturday evening dates. What do you like to drink in an evening? A few bottles of beer, a shot or two, and maybe even a glass of wine...then water. How do you describe your ideal girlfriend? Prudent, intelligent, strong-willed, independent, hot, sexy, appealing, smells good (yeah, I know right?)... You get the picture.
What does this all mean though? Does it mean that a bit of everything is better and healthier than having too much of one thing? Or, is it a strong reflection of a combination of a short attention span, indecisiveness and lack of a solid stance in living life? Is it just playing safe? Too safe? Denny Crane would call you a "Nansy Pansy." What if it really is about the old me? You know, the one who is risk averse (check out the old posts about geronimo moments - I'm too lazy to make a link). Maybe I am just mixing up concepts. Balance doesn't necessarily mean compromise. Maybe I am on the right track.
At least one thing is for sure. I like and respect myself more than I did the past few years and it's giving me some new found confidence in everything I do. I like the whole concept of balance. I'm getting there. I'm getting there.
Thank you, debate society, for the tip.
Monday, January 15, 2007
The Sensitive Man says, "In 2007...
...do not take everything so seriously;
...do not be too serious;
...do not take everything too personally;
...do not make a sarcastic joke if you know that its delivery will be interpreted as being a serious pointed statement;
...do not be too self-conscious;
...do not be someone else;
...do not be a douche;
...do not compromise passion;
...do not be fooled by that artificial no late fee policy of Blockbuster (check your credit card statements)
...since we're on the topic, you'd better also check your credit card statements for random monthly fees charged to you if you had purchased tickets off the ticketmaster website.
...do not think that this is unsolicited advice;
...do not think this is about you;
...do not think this is about me;
...do not think that I am obnoxiously trying to preach;
...do not think this is a serious post;
...do not think this is an attempt to be funny;
...do not think you are the only one in this world with baggage;
...do not think you lack uniqueness;
...most importantly, DO NOT THINK TOO MUCH, unless you're getting paid to do so. Give yourself more credit. You'll be much happier."
...do not be too serious;
...do not take everything too personally;
...do not make a sarcastic joke if you know that its delivery will be interpreted as being a serious pointed statement;
...do not be too self-conscious;
...do not be someone else;
...do not be a douche;
...do not compromise passion;
...do not be fooled by that artificial no late fee policy of Blockbuster (check your credit card statements)
...since we're on the topic, you'd better also check your credit card statements for random monthly fees charged to you if you had purchased tickets off the ticketmaster website.
...do not think that this is unsolicited advice;
...do not think this is about you;
...do not think this is about me;
...do not think that I am obnoxiously trying to preach;
...do not think this is a serious post;
...do not think this is an attempt to be funny;
...do not think you are the only one in this world with baggage;
...do not think you lack uniqueness;
...most importantly, DO NOT THINK TOO MUCH, unless you're getting paid to do so. Give yourself more credit. You'll be much happier."
My Stupid Mouth
It appears, at least from my humble and lay perspective, that one of the more fundamental characteristics common to successful or memorable movies or tv shows is the ability to strike at the heart of themes to which people personally relate. I'm sure most of you out there have been guilty of saying, "that's me!" when watching a movie with a persona that seems to illustrate your "issues" in life, albeit most of the time, the dark and humorous ones. The extent of this relation-to-movie phenomemon can be absurd too. For example, I was having dinner with a friend from law school here in New York when we noticed 4 women at the bar: a red head, brunette, and two blondes sipping on martinis, scoping out men, and yes...talking about sex.
I guess in a sense Hollywood has the power to sustain social themes and thus draw the viewer closer and more personally to the film. In a certain sense, songs have the same power...at least the well-written ones.
The other evening, I was reminded of my college days - driving fast cars, uncontrollable hormones, junk-food binging and being a member of a rock band. During the lighter and latter years, I remember performing a John Mayer song that resonated in me because of the lyrics and the tune. I thought that the song was me or at least a projection of how I wanted to be.
Check it out:
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change
Oh, it's another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly, An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire
I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me
oh i'm never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now...
There's a cute irony to the song. The irony is, in some respects, the guy in the song is a complete and utter loser. In real life, he needs to shape the way he communicates with women because because saying too much can get you into deep holes. Of course, he attempts to try harder the next time and ends up overcompensating by saying too little, and then he becomes a boring conversationalist and a bad date. The irony however, lies in a distinction I made above. This "loser" is the ultimate winner in movieland. This is John Cusack. The guy who fumbles and screws up and can't articulate his feelings and gets restless during a dinner date. The girl character, of course, ends up falling for him...and then going back to real life, chick-flick fanatics end up falling for him too.
I can't really tell if my perspective on my relation to this song is one from the movieland concept or the real life one. Hell, I can't even tell if this is who I am or who I want to be, or who I don't want to be. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Maybe I just like the song and I'm a fan of the underdog.
"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire"
I love it. It's almost like a self-deprecating joke turned hit song.
TRIVIA: It's bizaare, as I was told the other night, how things come around full circle - This song reminded me of funny social themes in life - dating, self-consciousness and self-confidence - which then reminded me of hollywood characters - John Cusack in any chick-flick. I then remembered watching Serendipity starring John Cusack. The Serendipity soundtrack contains my favorite John Mayer song, "1983."
I guess in a sense Hollywood has the power to sustain social themes and thus draw the viewer closer and more personally to the film. In a certain sense, songs have the same power...at least the well-written ones.
The other evening, I was reminded of my college days - driving fast cars, uncontrollable hormones, junk-food binging and being a member of a rock band. During the lighter and latter years, I remember performing a John Mayer song that resonated in me because of the lyrics and the tune. I thought that the song was me or at least a projection of how I wanted to be.
Check it out:
My stupid mouth
Has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see
She was offended
She said "well anyway..."
Just dying for a subject change
Oh, it's another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly, An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good, what JUST slipped out and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again.
How could I forget?
Mama said "think before speaking"
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
Than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire
I'm never speaking up again
it only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery
than she desert me
oh i'm never speaking up again
Starting now, starting now...
There's a cute irony to the song. The irony is, in some respects, the guy in the song is a complete and utter loser. In real life, he needs to shape the way he communicates with women because because saying too much can get you into deep holes. Of course, he attempts to try harder the next time and ends up overcompensating by saying too little, and then he becomes a boring conversationalist and a bad date. The irony however, lies in a distinction I made above. This "loser" is the ultimate winner in movieland. This is John Cusack. The guy who fumbles and screws up and can't articulate his feelings and gets restless during a dinner date. The girl character, of course, ends up falling for him...and then going back to real life, chick-flick fanatics end up falling for him too.
I can't really tell if my perspective on my relation to this song is one from the movieland concept or the real life one. Hell, I can't even tell if this is who I am or who I want to be, or who I don't want to be. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Maybe I just like the song and I'm a fan of the underdog.
"One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked
I just wanna be funny
Looks like the jokes on me
So call me captain backfire"
I love it. It's almost like a self-deprecating joke turned hit song.
TRIVIA: It's bizaare, as I was told the other night, how things come around full circle - This song reminded me of funny social themes in life - dating, self-consciousness and self-confidence - which then reminded me of hollywood characters - John Cusack in any chick-flick. I then remembered watching Serendipity starring John Cusack. The Serendipity soundtrack contains my favorite John Mayer song, "1983."
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