I've surrendered to the reality of having only temporary spurts that somewhat reflect recovery. It's like taking a peek into heaven. It's like a free download of a great episode from your favorite sitcom. These spurts include great dates, productive studying, academic achievement, and other sorts of reaffirmation.
I've had a recent spurt. Actually, I'm still in it. My long-awaited date is tonight. I'm excited. She's extremely pretty, well-educated, a successful professional, and seems to have a lot of thoughts about life. It's one of those John Cusack-movie moments: the "did-she-just-agree-to-go-out-with-me?" type of feeling. This is a perfect way to end a week full of many affirmations: I was lauded by my trial practice professor, a real judge, for an opening statement I presented in class; I was affirmed by teammates for a speech I made in preparation for an exciting moot court tournament; and I received an A in a pretty tough class (it was then I realized that I really had some competent legal writing skills). All roads pointing to litigation? Perhaps. After all, it was after watching "The Practice" http://abc.go.com/primetime/thepractice/ (now Boston Legal) that made me want to come to law school (what was I thinking). *Funny enough, I landed a place in a Boston law school.
So anyway, the date is on. I went to my stylist today to get my haircut. I'm preparing my clothes and will take a nap in a short while. Oh, some relatives of my ex-fiancee contacted me to see how I was. It was very sweet. Of course, some of my friends went ballistic when they found out that some of her relatives were in touch. At this point, I've made separate independent relationships with these people, and it would just be too much to sever ties with them. I also feel like it's ok to be in touch so as long as it doesn't give me horrible reminders of my past relationship and doesn't obstruct the whole recovery process.
I digress. Stay tuned next week for a little summary of my date. I put Jeff Buckley on the side for a bit. Soundtrack of the week: Jamiroquai www.jamiroquai.com (buy their new album "Dynamite" if you like 70's type disco-ish acid jazz. Listen to some of the new songs on their website)
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Post-breakup: The Timing of Dating
42 hours straight. That's the amount of time I spent working with my debate teammates for a tournament this February. I never thought that writing a legal brief could be so...bad. "Not getting enough sleep" is an understatement at this point. I've boomeranged back to the jet lag phase that I had just recently recovered from a few weeks ago. Now that the intellectual masssacre has ended (at least for now), I had time to think about things again.
Dating. There are two general schools of thought about launching into the dating scene after a breakup. One approach finds that a person should not start dating after a breakup unless and until she or he had fully recovered from the past relationship. Assuming the person isn't going around trying to get a one night stand, this approach is based on the principle of being "fair" to yourself and your date. No one wants to bring baggage into a new relationship. Then again, this is just dating...not marriage.
The other approach states that one should date right away (or at least reasonably soon after or during a short mourning period). It supposedly helps you move on and realize that there is a life independent of your ex. It helps you regain confidence. Some supporters take the view that the pain relating to your last relationship never leaves you; it's "baggage" that stays for life, but transforms into new things: personality changes, positive or negative, change in lifestyle, attitude, etc. If one cannot draw that crucial line separating a monday of past pain and a tuesday of new life, one concludes that dating is a great way to help you eventually get the closure you need. Closure is up to you - not your ex or your future date - and it's a process...a daily struggle.
This may not be the best articulation of both approaches (and I'm sure there are more theories out there), but I've always been a person who has balanced these two views.
For the record, I've been going on dates the past few months. I have one next week and am pretty excited about it. Of course, I do have my moments of emotional struggle and ask myself whether this is what I want to do. Otherwise, at the end of the day, I've realized that the dating scene has helped me regain confidence and see my identity as an independent person...not just the ex-fiance of 2004 with that intriguing blog of his (no self-marketing intended).
Which approach makes sense to you?
Dating. There are two general schools of thought about launching into the dating scene after a breakup. One approach finds that a person should not start dating after a breakup unless and until she or he had fully recovered from the past relationship. Assuming the person isn't going around trying to get a one night stand, this approach is based on the principle of being "fair" to yourself and your date. No one wants to bring baggage into a new relationship. Then again, this is just dating...not marriage.
The other approach states that one should date right away (or at least reasonably soon after or during a short mourning period). It supposedly helps you move on and realize that there is a life independent of your ex. It helps you regain confidence. Some supporters take the view that the pain relating to your last relationship never leaves you; it's "baggage" that stays for life, but transforms into new things: personality changes, positive or negative, change in lifestyle, attitude, etc. If one cannot draw that crucial line separating a monday of past pain and a tuesday of new life, one concludes that dating is a great way to help you eventually get the closure you need. Closure is up to you - not your ex or your future date - and it's a process...a daily struggle.
This may not be the best articulation of both approaches (and I'm sure there are more theories out there), but I've always been a person who has balanced these two views.
For the record, I've been going on dates the past few months. I have one next week and am pretty excited about it. Of course, I do have my moments of emotional struggle and ask myself whether this is what I want to do. Otherwise, at the end of the day, I've realized that the dating scene has helped me regain confidence and see my identity as an independent person...not just the ex-fiance of 2004 with that intriguing blog of his (no self-marketing intended).
Which approach makes sense to you?
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Your current life soundtrack: Who follows you to work?
Do you remember the Starbucks TV commercial where the young professional, Glen, holding a can of starbucks double espresso shot, leaves his apartment with the old pop rock band Survivor following him around, singing "Eye of the Tiger" as a going-to-work soundtrack/theme song? Admit it. Most of us have done it at least once in our lives: with our ipods, walkmans, or "stereo in our heads," we press play and pretend that we're in a movie, listening to that one theme song as we trek towards the subway, headed to work like a dramatic fashionable entrance lodged in the sequence of a hot hollywood plot.
Well, for the past 6 months my waking up and heading out theme song has been "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley (www.jeffbuckley.com) may he rest in peace. Not the pumper song you expected. It probably means that my current life movie is not an action flick.
It's a phenomenal song though. Download it. Legally.
Well, for the past 6 months my waking up and heading out theme song has been "Last Goodbye" by Jeff Buckley (www.jeffbuckley.com) may he rest in peace. Not the pumper song you expected. It probably means that my current life movie is not an action flick.
It's a phenomenal song though. Download it. Legally.
Monday, January 09, 2006
2 simple things to remember during heartbreak
"2 rules" would be too harsh. "2 guidelines" would downplay the importance of this concept. "Hortatory" or "aspirational rules" would be too much of an imposition of my grotesque law school vocabulary on this simple blog. Thus, I will stick to "things to remember during heartbreak."
My spiritual director, friend, and mentor Manoling Francisco, S.J. (one of the Philippines' most celebrated musicians - more on him later) told me the following after my breakup:
(1) YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS...BUT
(2) YOU CAN CONTROL THE WAY YOU REACT OR BEHAVE AFTER OR WHILE FEELING A CERTAIN WAY.
Remember these words.
When you cannot control either the behavior/decisions of the person that hurt you or the feelings that arise while experiencing major heartbreak, you can address the frustration of losing your grip on the situation by focusing your attention on what you can control: your reactions and the way you behave. For the record, this does not mean you can and should keep yourself from crying. Crying is awesome. These words apply primarily to situations where your feelings can sway you to do things that are stupid or harmful to you and others, like suicide or emotionally blackmailing your ex.
It will take a tremendous amount of will power to do this. Believe me. I'm still struggling every morning. I want to make angry phone calls and send depressing emails to my ex when I wake up. I've failed to prevent myself from doing this many times (like this morning), but when I succeed, it feels liberating. Kick a soccer ball into your neighbor's backyard or burn an ugly teddy bear if you have to (don't take this too literally). Just don't kill yourself or hurt others over a failed relationship.
But believe me also when I say that these little victories or baby steps (i.e. getting out of bed, going to work/school, burning teddy bears), as a result of your control over your behavior, will eventually accumulate into a form of recovery and resiliency that may only be apparent or obvious to your friends and family. Thus, I also found it important to share these experiences with people close to me. One of my "angels" from Singapore told me that she saw great improvement from last year, even if I felt like seeing my ex-fiancee over this past winter break was like pressing the reset button on the videogame console called life.
Bottom line? Restrain yourself from impulsively committing these harmful acts when you feel extreme sadness or depression. You can do it. I'm still trying.
Late Disclaimer: This entry is not an attempt to preach or cure. I'm not a licensed psychotherapist. I'm not Dr. Phil. Don't sue me if it doesn't work.
My spiritual director, friend, and mentor Manoling Francisco, S.J. (one of the Philippines' most celebrated musicians - more on him later) told me the following after my breakup:
(1) YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS...BUT
(2) YOU CAN CONTROL THE WAY YOU REACT OR BEHAVE AFTER OR WHILE FEELING A CERTAIN WAY.
Remember these words.
When you cannot control either the behavior/decisions of the person that hurt you or the feelings that arise while experiencing major heartbreak, you can address the frustration of losing your grip on the situation by focusing your attention on what you can control: your reactions and the way you behave. For the record, this does not mean you can and should keep yourself from crying. Crying is awesome. These words apply primarily to situations where your feelings can sway you to do things that are stupid or harmful to you and others, like suicide or emotionally blackmailing your ex.
It will take a tremendous amount of will power to do this. Believe me. I'm still struggling every morning. I want to make angry phone calls and send depressing emails to my ex when I wake up. I've failed to prevent myself from doing this many times (like this morning), but when I succeed, it feels liberating. Kick a soccer ball into your neighbor's backyard or burn an ugly teddy bear if you have to (don't take this too literally). Just don't kill yourself or hurt others over a failed relationship.
But believe me also when I say that these little victories or baby steps (i.e. getting out of bed, going to work/school, burning teddy bears), as a result of your control over your behavior, will eventually accumulate into a form of recovery and resiliency that may only be apparent or obvious to your friends and family. Thus, I also found it important to share these experiences with people close to me. One of my "angels" from Singapore told me that she saw great improvement from last year, even if I felt like seeing my ex-fiancee over this past winter break was like pressing the reset button on the videogame console called life.
Bottom line? Restrain yourself from impulsively committing these harmful acts when you feel extreme sadness or depression. You can do it. I'm still trying.
Late Disclaimer: This entry is not an attempt to preach or cure. I'm not a licensed psychotherapist. I'm not Dr. Phil. Don't sue me if it doesn't work.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Raise your hand if your wedding was called off
Me (*raises hand confidently*).
One theory of writing blogs is that if you slowly build a comfortable relationship with your reader, they will continue to be loyal to your writings. I'm not a fan. One of my mentor/friends, Keith Ferrazzi once described the importance of immediately sharing your passion, your pains, your struggles when getting to know people in establishing personal relationships. He is the master of developing and maintaining personal relationships for life success (check out the link to his blog below ("Never Eat Alone"), and his website: www.nevereatalone.com). Buy the book and get to know his story. Trust me. I'm not a reader, but this book may be one of the most important reads one may ever have. Ask the TODAY show (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633/) - they interviewed him twice on the same topic and his bestselling book.
During one of his conferences for an organization of entrepreneurs in New York, I participated in an exercise which involved getting to know a total stranger...but the catch was, we had to do it through sharing our dreams and pains. My partner was the wife of an entrepreneur who only found her true passion in life as an interior designer in her late 40's (covering both passion and pain). I told her about my dreams to start a record label and my former engagement which did not materialize into the wedding as planned. In short, we had a very deep and intimate conversation, which continued even after the conference ended. Even if she didn't break up with her husband to date me (and I don't typically go for 50-year old women), I'd say the conversation was a success.
You are my partner now. Forget the easygoing conversation/small talk that people are so used to when getting to know someone. This is me. Acid Jazz Boy. I was about to get married. It didn't happen.
My ex-fiancee needed to be free. She needed to live a life away from the pressures of a committed relationship and find herself, so she broke off the relationship sometime in October 2004...over the phone...long distance.
There are a few reasons why I'm writing this post now:
(1) When you're heartbroken, you realize that the worst part of each struggling day is waking up.
*now imagine me. jetlagged. I am awake at 3 am. I woke up at an odd hour thinking about her yet again. So I guess writing this post is somewhat pseudo-cathartic and therapeutic. I've been brokenhearted for more than a year.
(2) You may be hearing a lot about this episode of mine throughout the blog. It was a defining moment. More details (but none too incriminating on her part) will come.
(3) This is a subtle indirect introduction of Keith Ferrazzi. Buy the book "Never Eat Alone" and check out his blog. No, he's not a Dr. Phil (just because he's part of this post). He's good for you aspiring professionals/businessmen out there.
That's enough background for a 3 am (now 4 am) post. Up next: the candid feelings of a brokenhearted 27-year old international law student.
Good night (morning). I have to wake up in 5 hours to sing for a wedding (irony?).
One theory of writing blogs is that if you slowly build a comfortable relationship with your reader, they will continue to be loyal to your writings. I'm not a fan. One of my mentor/friends, Keith Ferrazzi once described the importance of immediately sharing your passion, your pains, your struggles when getting to know people in establishing personal relationships. He is the master of developing and maintaining personal relationships for life success (check out the link to his blog below ("Never Eat Alone"), and his website: www.nevereatalone.com). Buy the book and get to know his story. Trust me. I'm not a reader, but this book may be one of the most important reads one may ever have. Ask the TODAY show (http://msnbc.msn.com/id/3032633/) - they interviewed him twice on the same topic and his bestselling book.
During one of his conferences for an organization of entrepreneurs in New York, I participated in an exercise which involved getting to know a total stranger...but the catch was, we had to do it through sharing our dreams and pains. My partner was the wife of an entrepreneur who only found her true passion in life as an interior designer in her late 40's (covering both passion and pain). I told her about my dreams to start a record label and my former engagement which did not materialize into the wedding as planned. In short, we had a very deep and intimate conversation, which continued even after the conference ended. Even if she didn't break up with her husband to date me (and I don't typically go for 50-year old women), I'd say the conversation was a success.
You are my partner now. Forget the easygoing conversation/small talk that people are so used to when getting to know someone. This is me. Acid Jazz Boy. I was about to get married. It didn't happen.
My ex-fiancee needed to be free. She needed to live a life away from the pressures of a committed relationship and find herself, so she broke off the relationship sometime in October 2004...over the phone...long distance.
There are a few reasons why I'm writing this post now:
(1) When you're heartbroken, you realize that the worst part of each struggling day is waking up.
*now imagine me. jetlagged. I am awake at 3 am. I woke up at an odd hour thinking about her yet again. So I guess writing this post is somewhat pseudo-cathartic and therapeutic. I've been brokenhearted for more than a year.
(2) You may be hearing a lot about this episode of mine throughout the blog. It was a defining moment. More details (but none too incriminating on her part) will come.
(3) This is a subtle indirect introduction of Keith Ferrazzi. Buy the book "Never Eat Alone" and check out his blog. No, he's not a Dr. Phil (just because he's part of this post). He's good for you aspiring professionals/businessmen out there.
That's enough background for a 3 am (now 4 am) post. Up next: the candid feelings of a brokenhearted 27-year old international law student.
Good night (morning). I have to wake up in 5 hours to sing for a wedding (irony?).
Thursday, January 05, 2006
First Post: Introductions
"First Posts" are typically boring to read. I'm going to try to avoid the whole psychoanalysis and meta-analysis that go into writing first posts...such as writing about first posts. I like delving into the meat of things. I like eating the steak before the salad.
So instead, let's just make this a short introduction. If you like this blog, then feel free to update me with all the grammatical mistakes that have stuck with me since my years as a private Catholic high schooler in Asia. This should help me revise my writing style in time for the upcoming bar exams.
See? Wasn't that interesting? I taught you 3 things about myself in a span of 2 sentences:
(1) I'm not a good writer;
(2) I'm a law student (as exhibited by my attempt to enumerate this category like a federal code gone wrong);
(3) I went to a private Catholic high school in Asia
*speaking of which, if you've read the Da Vinci Code...I went to an Opus Dei high school...and no, I do not practice corporal mortification with a cilice. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_mortification#Practices_in_Different_Religions_.26_Cultures
Presently, I'm fighting jetlag from a 26-hour travel episode, so this post will be short. A few things to know. Acid Jazz has been my choice of music for life. I have been listening to (and performing) this genre since the earliest of the 90's. As for "Sensitive Man" - well, you'll see for yourself. If you don't like a man who is open about his feelings, and would rather spend time observing men that typically embody the type of machismo that has been floating around society since the beginning of time, then this isn't the place for you. Although, I must say, I do have my moments when it comes to sports and other "guy" things.
One day, Oprah will notice me and ask me to come onto her show. Before that, I have one more semester of law school and the bar exams to hack.
Introduction over.
So instead, let's just make this a short introduction. If you like this blog, then feel free to update me with all the grammatical mistakes that have stuck with me since my years as a private Catholic high schooler in Asia. This should help me revise my writing style in time for the upcoming bar exams.
See? Wasn't that interesting? I taught you 3 things about myself in a span of 2 sentences:
(1) I'm not a good writer;
(2) I'm a law student (as exhibited by my attempt to enumerate this category like a federal code gone wrong);
(3) I went to a private Catholic high school in Asia
*speaking of which, if you've read the Da Vinci Code...I went to an Opus Dei high school...and no, I do not practice corporal mortification with a cilice. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corporal_mortification#Practices_in_Different_Religions_.26_Cultures
Presently, I'm fighting jetlag from a 26-hour travel episode, so this post will be short. A few things to know. Acid Jazz has been my choice of music for life. I have been listening to (and performing) this genre since the earliest of the 90's. As for "Sensitive Man" - well, you'll see for yourself. If you don't like a man who is open about his feelings, and would rather spend time observing men that typically embody the type of machismo that has been floating around society since the beginning of time, then this isn't the place for you. Although, I must say, I do have my moments when it comes to sports and other "guy" things.
One day, Oprah will notice me and ask me to come onto her show. Before that, I have one more semester of law school and the bar exams to hack.
Introduction over.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
