"2 rules" would be too harsh. "2 guidelines" would downplay the importance of this concept. "Hortatory" or "aspirational rules" would be too much of an imposition of my grotesque law school vocabulary on this simple blog. Thus, I will stick to "things to remember during heartbreak."
My spiritual director, friend, and mentor Manoling Francisco, S.J. (one of the Philippines' most celebrated musicians - more on him later) told me the following after my breakup:
(1) YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS...BUT
(2) YOU CAN CONTROL THE WAY YOU REACT OR BEHAVE AFTER OR WHILE FEELING A CERTAIN WAY.
Remember these words.
When you cannot control either the behavior/decisions of the person that hurt you or the feelings that arise while experiencing major heartbreak, you can address the frustration of losing your grip on the situation by focusing your attention on what you can control: your reactions and the way you behave. For the record, this does not mean you can and should keep yourself from crying. Crying is awesome. These words apply primarily to situations where your feelings can sway you to do things that are stupid or harmful to you and others, like suicide or emotionally blackmailing your ex.
It will take a tremendous amount of will power to do this. Believe me. I'm still struggling every morning. I want to make angry phone calls and send depressing emails to my ex when I wake up. I've failed to prevent myself from doing this many times (like this morning), but when I succeed, it feels liberating. Kick a soccer ball into your neighbor's backyard or burn an ugly teddy bear if you have to (don't take this too literally). Just don't kill yourself or hurt others over a failed relationship.
But believe me also when I say that these little victories or baby steps (i.e. getting out of bed, going to work/school, burning teddy bears), as a result of your control over your behavior, will eventually accumulate into a form of recovery and resiliency that may only be apparent or obvious to your friends and family. Thus, I also found it important to share these experiences with people close to me. One of my "angels" from Singapore told me that she saw great improvement from last year, even if I felt like seeing my ex-fiancee over this past winter break was like pressing the reset button on the videogame console called life.
Bottom line? Restrain yourself from impulsively committing these harmful acts when you feel extreme sadness or depression. You can do it. I'm still trying.
Late Disclaimer: This entry is not an attempt to preach or cure. I'm not a licensed psychotherapist. I'm not Dr. Phil. Don't sue me if it doesn't work.
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1 comment:
I just read the subtext for your blog about sensitive men being a dying breed. Pshaw! I say we're a rising trend. There is a whole new generation of fathers, for example, who are far more intimately involved with their children, getting to know them as people, and you know what? What a coincidence -- physical forms of discipline are on the decline, and the kids are just as normal and well behaved (or not) as they always ever have been.
Anyway, point is -- think of yourself as a pioneer, my friend!
About the girl: don't think about a pink elephant. That's right, don't think about it. Right now remove all such thoughts from your neurons. Working? You get the idea? It's good to "focus" on useful skills such as controling your behavior, but soon everything you do (or retrain yourself from doing) will exist in neccesary reference to this traumatic event.
Well, that might not be quite what you're doing, it's hard to tell from a blog the intricasies of your real, everyday life. But this is just something that occured to me in my own experience of such traumas.
Peace
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